BANDWIDTH: NO, YOU REALLY CAN’T DO IT ALL

Feeling a little burned out?

Feeling like you’re not spending enough time with your family?

Feeling like the days and weeks are flying by and you’re having a hard time prioritizing?

You’re not alone.

Non-scientific observation: families are in “go” mode for most of their week, with very little purposeful/principled thought processes for how they choose to do what they do.

What does this result in?  At best: distraction from what matters most.  At worst: the loss of your family, marriage, or both.

Business leaders recognize they can’t do it all – they have to be laser focused on what is the most important to their success.  Spreading a business too thin typically means the end of the business (read the chapter on The Hedgehog Principle in “Good to Great”).

And yet, in our families we somehow think we can escape that reality – that we can be successful in all things, regardless of how much we pile on our plates.

I honestly don’t believe your average family is seeking the destruction of their values – I think it’s more of an issue of your average family not knowing what their values are.

In the Bible, the Apostle Paul had to make critical decisions about where to go, when to go, and even who to spend time with.  He recognized that his calling as a Missionary to a particular people group required him to sometimes make tough decisions.  There’s no indication that the Bible considered this wrong, in fact, the Lord clearly opened doors for the Apostle to walk through and clearly closed some.  This is another way to think about bandwidth and focus.

This is a weekly reality for many families:

• Mom or Dad (or usually both) need to have a meaningful work experience where they make their boss happy
• Parents are desperately trying to spend time investing in their kids
• Spouses feel guilty for not spending more time on their marriage
• Because of the rat race, couples and families prioritize (almost daily) some form of leisure time where they can unwind (usually seen in binge-watching, etc.)
• Couple and families feel a tug to help serve in some capacity in their church/local charity to “give back”, but struggle to actually do it
• Parents are constantly trying to accommodate sleepovers, birthday parties, trips to the movies, the mall, dance classes etc.
• And this list could go on and on….

As families/parents, we’ve obviously learned how to say “Yes” to doing everything in our culture – but when are we going to learn the art of saying “No”?….

“You cannot protect your priorities, unless you learn to decline, tactfully, but firmly every request that does not contribute to the achievement of your goals.” – Ed Bliss

Can I have a heart to heart with you for a moment?  I’m going to tell you a blunt, hard truth: you cannot do it all well, you must choose strategically what you and your family are going to invest their time in.

The problem is that our western lifestyle has made it increasingly difficult to prioritize what really matters and what should be scrapped.  The lines have become significantly blurred between what really matters and what is trivial.  Take for example the hours your average westernized family spends in taking their kids to sports, compared to the hours spent being involved in church.  Culture is telling us that taking our kids to sports is vastly more important than us contributing to the success of our church.  Or that spending time in front of the TV is more important than spending time in front of your Bible (because everyone needs to unwind).

Please don’t get defensive!  I am not saying there is anything wrong with sports or TV, what I’m saying is that it’s an issue of priority – you have to decide what is really important to you in life, and recognize that you cannot do it all well: you have to choose.

Here’s a simple exercise to try: consider these areas of life along with the proposed point value that I have added to each.  If you could only spend 20 points or less on the following items – which ones would you ensure, as much as it depends on you, to prioritize into your weekly routine with laser-focused, principle-driven conviction? ONLY 20 points!….

Your Walk with God (3 points)

Personal Disciplines (2 points)

Hobbies (2 points)

Quality time with kids (3 points)

Growing your marriage (3 points)

Your kids’ sports (4 points)

Volunteering in your church (4 points)

Leisure/down-time (2 points)

Hitting occupational goals (5 points)

So, only spending 20 points or less, which ones did you choose?  And why did you choose them?  And how does that align with your purpose in life?  Good questions to ask ourselves.  I recognize the subjectivity of an exercise like this – but it’s a good starting point.  If it helps you, go ahead and change the points values.  The purpose is to create a scenario that forces you to discriminate between good, better and best.

Doesn’t mean you can’t do all the things in the list – but it does mean you have to ensure the most important things in your life are happening first.  Putting off things like the development of your marriage to ensure you can take your child to karate is not a good game-plan for marital bliss.

So how about it?  Your days and weeks are slipping away – before you know it windows of opportunity will be closed.  Why not take a moment right now to talk to your spouse and ask yourselves if you’re really focused on what is the most important to you in life?  And remember, how you make these decisions teaches your kids by your actions about what is really important.

Scott Foreman is the Executive Pastor at Fellowship Bible Church in Mullica Hill, New Jersey.  He has been active in full-time vocational ministry for almost 20 years as a Camp Director, Radio Host, Missionary and now Pastor.  You can follow him here at The Ministry Dad, and also on Twitter: @scottdforeman.