Love and respect. It’s as timeless as marriage itself. And when the love and respect between a husband and wife are understood, embraced, and lived out – it results in a vibrant marriage! When husbands stop loving and wives stop respecting, the marriage relationship becomes almost unbearable.
In today’s marriages, it can be a sad, reality: a husband, who has the responsibility to love his wife in a Christlike way, isn’t, and the wife, whose responsibility is to show respect to her husband, doesn’t. This can happen over time in a marriage, or it was never there.
The Bible is clear in its prescription on this matter:
“However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
Pretty clear, isn’t it? Husbands are to love their wives. Wives are to respect their husbands. Does this mean wives don’t need respect and husbands don’t need love? No, that’s not the case. In God’s creation of men and women, He made them different. He didn’t make one better than the other. He made them equal in ability, intelligence, giftedness, and so forth.
But men and women certainly are different. And when couples understand those differences and how they can best serve each other in those differences, there can be understanding and intimacy.
The Bible Says Men Are to Love Their Wives Sacrificially
When Ephesians 5:25-31 lays out the man’s responsibility towards his wife, the Apostle Paul explains the supreme example for men to follow: Christ. In the same way that Christ gave and laid down his life for those who would be saved, husbands are to have the same mentality and methodology towards their lives: sacrificial surrender. He must make all efforts in life to be secondary to his wife. He is aware of and selflessly meeting her need of the moment.
Even though he may be driven, seeking to be successful, and wanting to provide, if he accomplishes these things but leaves his wife (or family) in the dust, he will have failed. The husband’s supreme earthly love and greatest treasure is his wife. Nothing can compete with her.
If you’re a guy, you know easy it can be for many ‘loves’ to compete with your wife (work, sports, hobbies, etc.). Maybe the Lord knows how distracted men can become in their life pursuits? Too many men have made a name for themselves in many areas of life, but in this one area of loving their wife the way Jesus calls them to, they have missed the mark.
The bottom line for men is: your goal should be to lovingly serve your wife, placing her needs ahead of your own and looking for ways to encourage her. He needs to love her to the point where respect is a natural result. Anything short of that is pride, and pride in a marriage is an ugly thing (I wrote about that here).
The Bible Says Women Are to Respect Their Husbands Reverently
Ephesians 5:22-24 lays out the case for the wife honoring the role of her husband in the home. In God’s plan, all structures within our culture have order: the government, the church, and the family. In government, we are to acknowledge and respect those God has placed over us. Not because politicians are super-humans, but because God is a God of order (1 Corinthians. 14:33). In the church, we are to acknowledge and respect those God has placed over us. Not because Elders are especially exceptional people, but because God is a God of order.
The family is no different. Members of a family are to acknowledge and respect those God has placed over them. Not because they’re exceptional as parents or husbands, but because God is a God of order. Love it or hate it – the one person that the buck stops with, in the family, is the husband. He is the one ultimately tasked with the responsibility of leading the family. Not autocratically lording himself over his family, but with kindness, wisdom, and gentleness.
The wife is to respect her husband in this role, a respect that isn’t constantly seeking to undermine him or sabotage his role. Respect that allows him to lead and guide. Respect that encourages and supports him. Respect that acknowledges the Lord has given your husband a very difficult task and he needs all the help and encouragement he can get.
When a husband stops loving his wife the way the Scripture says to:
- He is leading for one person, himself. He can rationalize and twist that all he wants, but when he is not putting his wife first, that’s the sign he’s living for one person: him.
- He becomes introverted and unaware. He is no longer a tune to the needs of his wife, nor his family. He is focused on his pursuits, but strangely, all in the name of his family.
- He is retreating in his walk with Christ. This is the greatest heartache of all. When a husband is in a living, vibrant relationship with Christ, its overflow towards his wife is supernatural selflessness. No passion for Christ – no supernatural selflessness. It’s just made-up, fleshly powered co-habitation.
When a wife stops respecting her husband:
- She teaches her children that honoring authority is optional.
- She finds herself constantly taking family matters into her own hands, and not talking to her husband about it.
- She grows increasingly bitter about her husband, and when it is full-blown, secretly despises him.
- She gradually finds more satisfaction with activities outside of the home and with her circle of friends (leaving her husband wondering what she is engaged in and why he is no longer a part of her life).
- Perceiving and believing that her husband is largely absent from her life, she fills spiritual gaps in her life with spiritual things, but there’s little to no spiritual depth.
It’s a sad scenario: a husband not loving his wife and the wife not respecting her husband. But it’s avoidable.
Husbands: in what ways are you demonstrating supernatural selflessness towards your wife? Can you point to specific examples?
Wives: in what ways are you cheerleading the role of your husband and supporting him? Can you point to specific examples?
If you’re struggling with love or respect, recognize it takes conscious effort and objective coaching (preferably from another married couple) to overcome your obstacles. With time plus accountability, you can see things turn around.
But forcing your husband to love you or demanding respect from your wife are ingredients for disaster. Nurture it. Encourage it. Discuss it. Recognize your shortcomings in it. Get help with it. Add a lot of grace into the mixture, and you will begin to see good things grow.