Have you struggled with your children showing submissiveness to your direction? If so, you’re in good company with every parent on the planet. By the end of this article, we’ll get to some action steps when children struggle with submission. But take a few minutes and think about why submissiveness is important with your children.
Submissiveness is amazing when it happens. As a parent, you sense that they have warmly embraced your direction and taken it as their own (Prov. 6:20-22). They are implementing with joy. That’s so awesome to see as a parent.
But submissiveness is not a trait that we are born with. The Bible says we are born without a desire to do good (Rom. 3:12) – we are born rebels. We are born wanting our own way, with a desire to do our own things, and with a natural disdain for anyone telling us what to do. That is the state of every infant on the planet, no matter how good you think little Johnny is.
This lack of desire to submit doesn’t magically go away. Over time it may shift and conform so the child can adjust to social norms, but it never disappears. That little child is a rebel through and through, and does not have a natural desire to embrace your authority (I wrote about that here). Even the children in your family that are quiet, reserved, and pleasant have a rebellious streak. And if you were being honest, you’ve seen it in them.
If you want your child to state in this naturally rebellious state, then all you have to do is nothing. They will maintain this rebellious attitude throughout their childhood, teen years, and into adulthood. Yes, it will adjust and conform to society’s pressures (usually), but the rebelliousness will manifest itself in some pretty awful ways.
Or, you could choose to do something about it.
A key Bible verse gives us some direction on what to do about this:
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Heb. 12:11).
This verse is packed with parenting advice. The context is God’s discipline with his children, but the writer uses that as an analogy for the earthly parenting relationship. God is telling us that discipline should be happening, it should be pleasant, but painful, and that if correctly applied, it produces fruit, but only for those who have been trained by it.
And therein lies the key: “trained by it.”
The Importance of Training Children
I have frequently said that when it comes to shepherding our kids, the approach should be 90% training and 10% discipline. I believe when the opposite is the case, angry, rebellious teens are the result. We should be spending 90% of our time shepherding our kids and training them toward godly living. That means we should be spending a lot of our time focusing on the submissive spirits that God requires of our kids.
This means as parents we are watching for their submissiveness when we are giving direction. You are observing their response when you are talking about practical things that need to be done around the house, but also life issues. You are looking at their expressions, listening for their tone, gauging body language. All these things can be indicators of what is going on in their heart.
I think for most parents, noticing submissiveness or a lack thereof is not the problem. From what I have observed, parents know when their kid is doing what is asked of them with joy, or they’re being rebellious towards it. But when rebellious is happening with little Madelyn, here’s what happens with many parents:
- They ignore it. This is because they have created life scenarios that are so busy that there is very little margin to effectively shepherd. Or, they’re intimidated by their three-year-old, so they let it slide.
- They yell at it. This is because they don’t have any other tools in their parenting toolbelt. They know they have to do something, but it’s the only tool they’ve got.
Both approaches only exasperate the problem. And for many parents, because of how they were brought up, they’re only parenting based on how they were parented.
Actions Steps to Consider
- Care about your child’s rebellion. Hate to say it, but from what I have observed, parents are typically not ignorant of their child’s rebelliousness, they’re apathetic. They just don’t care enough to do anything about it. Parents, you should deeply care about the submissiveness of little Nancy, because her submissiveness towards you will most definitely be reflected one day in her submissiveness towards God.
- Present opportunities for submissiveness and watch what happens. This is akin to the “training” spoken of above in Hebrews 12:11. It’s putting your child in scenarios that give them opportunities to flex their submission muscles – to give them a workout. It’s asking them to do little things in a “training session”, it’s helping them develop new habits and routines at bedtime and ensuring they become habits, etc.
- Deal with their heart more than their behavior (Prov. 4:23). You should care about their inside more than their outside. When the inside is heading in the right direction, the outside will always follow. Many parents are fine with little Lisa putting away her toys, but crying and arguing the whole time she is doing it. This needs to be reversed. Why care more about a clean living room than the state of your child’s heart? Yet, when we are cool with the toys being put away, coupled with a horrible attitude, that’s a huge loss. Imagine what that looks like in their teen years. Parents have to point this out to their kids: “Yes, Lisa, you did put away the toys. But you did it with a bad attitude. This is wrong/sin to both God and me, and it will not be tolerated.”
- Get coaching. I’m amazed at how many adults are willing to get coached on things like diet, fitness, occupation, etc, but not on their marriage or parenting. Is it pride? If so, humble your heart and reach out to someone you trust for parenting help before it’s too late!
When children struggle with submission, do something about it! When we do, we show our love and compassion for them and their walk with the Lord.